His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
