Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
