I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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