I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
