Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
