dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
