i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
