If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
