At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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