I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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