im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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