my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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