do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
