If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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