Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize