So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
