My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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