I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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