This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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