he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
