Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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