I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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