I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
