if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
