Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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