My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
