my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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