we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
