meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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