That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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