remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
