It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
