I hate your face
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
