My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm jealous of your bromance
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We have so much sex to catch up on
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
