I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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