i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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