my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
