you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
