Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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