when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
