remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
