But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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