It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
