he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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