Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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