Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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