Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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