I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
