Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
