I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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