12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
