Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
