i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When did angry sex become our thing?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
