Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
