Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
