im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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