just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
