can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is it penis luge time yet?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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