So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
